In just nine months, since August of 2013:
- I'm getting divorced from my husband of nine years (together 12)
- I've moved from the southern part of the state, to the northern part of the state
- I found a new job... only to get laid off a few months later
- I went from having everything... to having barely nothing
- And now, I'm sitting in my new home surroundings after having foot surgery... pondering my life and the hows, whats and whys of all that has happened in these short few months.
I feel like LIFE just gave me the greatest ass whooping of my life. I can't help but to think that some higher spiritual Source is trying to teach me a huge lesson here. Maybe a lesson in learning how to listen to my own heart? Maybe a lesson in being true to myself? Maybe a lesson in learning how to stand in my own power? Or maybe it's simply Karma catching up with me for all the things I've said or done wrong in my life?
Powerless is how I have felt for years. Powerless and passionless about everything. After all the teachings I've had and all the wonderful spiritual books I've read... I don't know how or why... but I lost my zest for life during my marriage. I became so depressed, and I lost myself. I guess at this stage it doesn't matter whose fault it was. What matters is that neither of us worked to fix it. And that says a whole LOT... because the consequences... at least for me... were great. And for some reason, I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to feel happy. I wanted something to change!
So here I am, pondering my new life and where I'm headed. Faced with the reality that at 45 years old... I have to reinvent myself. I have to find a way to change my ways. I have to find a way to see the positives in life... and not the negatives anymore. I've been a negative Nelly for years, and I've been searching for a way to help me to change that. And I think I've found something to help me.
For me, I'm pretty sure this is my rock bottom. So hopefully, I'll have no where to go but UP! I remember being told in the past that I have to find something to "believe in" with all my heart. I was brought up in a very religious household, but over the years, I lost my belief in religion. But in losing my belief in religion, I gained a belief in true spirituality and the things that make me FEEL spiritual. I gained a belief in simply "Love and Kindness". But along the way, I forgot to be Loving and Kind to myself. Loving the people and things outside of me was easy... but loving ME... my own body and myself on the inside was not so easy.
I've learned that in order to honestly share love and kindness with others, one has to be loving and kind on the inside and the outside to one's own SELF. And sometimes that love... has to be tough love. Because loving yourself with a bottle of wine and a bag of Hershey's chocolate kisses... just isn't going to cut it. Loving yourself means taking care of yourself... and I've done a poor job of that for many years now. And I know deep inside... that it's time for me to step up to the plate and do what I know must be done. Otherwise, I may find that I haven't hit rock bottom yet.
So over the next few months (and years), I'll be on a path of learning new things, learning to take care of myself better and connecting with a new life purpose... a mission so to speak. A mission of "Turning Peace UP" within myself... and sharing that journey with others!